There is no simple way to describe it. It is scary and debilitating at the same time. I can physically feel it and mentally can’t escape it. It’s an innate sense of sadness that cannot be explained. It is exasperated by the fear I have of knowing I am going to have to face another day of this uncalled for breakdown. It is a most misunderstood and indescribable condition. I think it would be easier to deal with any other medical condition, at least that’s how I feel in the moment, this moment. If I get a bad headache I can lay down, get rest, take some aspirin. Even when I had Covid I knew there was going to be an end and I knew that I had been exposed to the virus and therefore got sick. I could talk to family and friends and they understood what I was going through and could offer advice and comfort. If I was just stressed out or worried about certain events or a situation then they could offer emotional support. The hope I have is knowing this will pass and it will ease up and go away for a time. I know that there is a treatment plan for me and I recognize this is a form of mental illness. It is not my fault yet I do feel some shame and embarrassment for seemingly not appreciating what I have and not getting my emotions on check. There is no way I want to talk to my family as it would make them feel sad and helpless. My mother would take it personal and wonder what she could have done different in raising me. I don’t want to burden my boys or make them feel bad in any way although I feel sure they would want to know and try to help me as would my mom. My husband has been dealing with his own battles and is doing very well and I’m proud of him. I can see in his face that he really has no idea what to do for me or the magnitude of this.

Making the decision to take care of mental health and really doing it requires self discipline. This is confusing because a big part of depression is a lack of self discipline. Leaving the house and taking a long walk is the best cure for me. I have solved many problems, my own and the worlds, while walking, especially on a crispy cool sunny day. In order to be my best self, I need to become my own life coach and even therapist. Dealing with anxiety and depression is exhausting, Being me is exhausting!

Waking up in the morning and making myself choose to have a positive attitude is necessary. Saying prayers is a way for me to express my fears and sadness and my gratitude for the great things in my life. I try to pray and just talk to God in my head. This offers me both peace and hope. I connect with my God in nature so my walking is imperative to my life. We can all rely on Gods power, wisdom, and love. Not everybody refers to their higher power as God. I do. The importance of this is to use belief in your God in a positive and healing way.

My hope is that I can wake each day with a sense of gratefulness and have motivation to do great things. Wether it be to take a walk in Jones Point Park or take my Grandog Lou on a walk in his neighborhood and appreciate the beauty and surroundings, Writing my thoughts and even my grievances is much more productive than airing them out on Facebook or Twitter. I challenged myself to stay off of social media for a week and I was successful. I am dedicating my IG posts to scenic fashion posts and trying to inspire “women of a certain age” to find their personal style. That was my original intention when I created my account several years ago. When I began trying to reason with people regarding their crazy theories and backwards political stances, it increased my anxiety and depression. I have recently caught myself looking at a certain IG account just to see what this troublemaker is posting and felt like crying and my heart began racing. LESSON LEARNED! I am in charge of me and I know what I need and don’t need. I choose Joy!

Why the title Coach Potter? My 89 yr old father is a well known and much loved retired Phys Ed teacher and basketball coach. I have spent almost my entire life fielding the question “How’s Coach Potter?” Even at high school reunions that is usually the first question I get! It makes me proud to say Coach Potter is great.

As usual, my walk got me thinking and analyzing. I can do my best self awareness study during a 45 minute brisk walk on a cold, sunny day. It’s amazing how my clear thinking comes alive and I am able to almost mentally write a college thesis in my head. Then….my walk ends and somehow I forget about all of the great epiphanies I have reached and the resolutions I proclaimed go into hiding in the back of my mind.

Today I began laughing to myself at something that takes place on a pretty consistent basis. There is a person that finds it necessary to direct me, and correct me, in the most tedious of tasks. I used to shrug it off, then I began getting super annoyed but always let it go. In my mind I’m thinking, look here &$¥%#*! I’m 60 years old (almost) and would prefer to NOT BE TOLD THE BEST WAY to ………….!!! (don’t want to point any fingers) Yes, that’s right, you read that correctly. Apparently there is only one correct and perfect acceptable way to do this that I did not learn at the University of Central Florida where I graduated with a BSBA in 1985. I realize that it’s been many years but some things don’t change. I’m not really a pushover, it’s just that the situation is so ridiculous that I just can’t find it in me to say anything back.

I think to myself about all of the things I have accomplished in my life and I just shake my head and laugh on the inside. I have raised two very successful boys, now men, and helped raise my beautiful, talented step daughter. I participated and was successful in several statewide bodybuilding contests in the early 80’s, I was an Ergonomics Specialist at Kennedy Space Center for two years. I was Athletic Director at a country club and a Fitness Specialist at an award winning, ultra modern hospital wellness center. I taught physical education courses at a local college and was a group fitness instructor and personal trainer. I helped train an international college soccer team one summer. (I almost forgot about that) I was a speaker at chamber of commerce meetings several times and also asked to speak at a “ Girls are Great” conference for two years in a row. (almost forgot that too 🤷🏼‍♀️😂) I went through 6 1/2 weeks of radiation after my early stage breast cancer diagnosis and deal daily with an auto immune disorder. (arthritis related) I also worked as an office manager at the same small town practice for over 18 years. I met and helped many people over the years and many times just a great listener. I like to think that I made a positive impact on peoples lives and always attempt to bring out the best in people. I still try to do that on a daily basis.

The point of this is that I can reflect back and know that I have done some things that are important and good. I often dwell on the things that I could have done or should have done. The reality is that I’ve never given myself enough credit for my accomplishments and skills. The ridiculousness of being coached and corrected in such meaningless tasks is not important. If anything, it serves as a reminder of things and a motivator! For that I think I should be greatful (if it weren’t so annoying and ridiculous)

Consider this to be part one of where I’m at in life in terms of career and accomplishments. I will write more about my current job, what I’m doing, my career goals for the future, and what I do love about my current job. I will elaborate on how I “landed” there and what my future plans might be.

For now I will keep laughing on the inside at the trivial unimportant things and try to bring joy to the people I meet in my daily interactions.

Finally admitting, coming to terms with, accepting, and understanding my Anxiety and Depression has been a process. The process has been necessary in order to move forward and be free of the fear. The fear comes from not being able to admit to others and myself what is going on within me because I haven’t been exactly sure.

The emphasis being put on understanding Anxiety and Depression in todays society has certainly been helpful and a big part of my journey. We can successfully navigate this struggle and there are tools available to assist anyone who needs it.

In this post I am going to describe the PHYSICAL feeling I have when I am going through a tough time of depression, actually different from anxiety. It is important to note that in my experience, being depressed comes in waves. These waves peek and come crashing down and then are gone. I am not depressed all the time. I can go days, weeks, months, and even years between these “episodes.” I will elaborate more in another post on the situations that may lead up to these times.

For me, the heaviness of depression is worse in the morning and I’m still working to understand why that is. My body feels tired, very tired, even when I first get up in the morning. My mind is a bit foggy and I feel a physical heaviness in my arms. On the hardest days I feel a heaviness on my chest. I am edgy and can cry at the drop of a hat. Ironically I feel a release after a tearful cry. It’s defeating because I know that I am going through this and I feel physically the sense of dread one gets when they are getting ready to experience an uncomfortable situation. It is a sickening feeling. For example, on Christmas Day we were going to be flying home and I knew the holidays were going to be over and the “sad days” were coming. The thought of this combined with having to say goodbye to my parents brought this feeling on. It was my perception of what was coming up and not the actual event that wore me down. A good hard cry as we were heading to the airport was a release.

In the days since, my depression has been looming but I am committed to making this MY YEAR to take care of my MENTAL health. This blog is part of that plan. Writing this blog offers me the chance to get better and hopefully shed light on this subject to others. Wether you are going through this or you know someone close to you who is, understanding is half of the battle. So please join me on this journey of wellness and clarity.

Lately I’ve been thinking about aging and realize that I am constantly comparing myself to the “over 50” women influencers on Instagram. There are some that I am really inspired by and others, through no fault of their own, leave me with much self-doubt and disappointment in myself. The lives they present seemed filled with joy, fancy vacations, and lots of lovely things. They get spa treatments, facial rejuvenation and procedures, luxurious skin products and makeup and last but not least the CLOTHES! There is no doubt that these women are fabulous at presentation and work hard to present this to the many IG fans. They are considered the rock stars of IG and definitely get some celebrity treatment.

Then there is my account. I started probably about 5 years ago. My goal was to just present myself making the most of the clothes that were in my closet. I would put looks together and my photographer husband would, sometimes begrudgingly, take my picture. It was a fun hobby at first and I was really motivated to build my account. It was growing a fair amount until one day I had been put on restriction by the secret IG gods for reasons I never fully understood. I believe maybe they thought I was using “bots” whatever that means. I eventually built it back up until one day it seemingly just stopped growing. I soon began to realize that many successful IGers were really good at shopping and creatively presenting their newly purchased items to the IG audience. So good that retailers took notice and began sending them free items to present. But not me.

I was in the process of going minimal and was doing the opposite. Moving away from my permanent tropical background to the new minimal apartment life in DC did not fare well to growing an Ig audience. Along with trying to minimalize “the stuff” in my life I found myself maximizing my worries and critical thoughts. These thoughts led to a defeatist attitude and I wanted to quit. Besides, my sense of style had taken a hit. I finally decided to try and embrace my new appreciation for athleisure and focus on the beauty of my new surroundings.

Recently those same IG gods added a feature that allows users to hide the number of likes from public view. This has been a game-changer for me because I can focus on posting what I like and not worry about what people think. I actually used to delete posts that didn’t get many “likes” thinking I was somehow making my account look better.

Here I am now enjoying this project. I focus on documenting my life and personal fashion. I am not comparing myself to other women and their successes and instead I’m focusing on my own achievements and the beauty that surrounds me in Old Town Alexandria. I love minimalism and sustainability and take pride in wearing much loved pieces over and over. I don’t feel the need to shop shop shop. I have to admit I would gladly love to be “gifted” beautiful things in return for posting about them. For now I’m satisfied with being my best self and encouraging anyone who crosses my path to do the same.

I’ve been dealing with this terrible monster of an affliction for many years. Truth be told, I have not conquered this. In the last few months I have come to the realization that this will never go away. There is no cure, no magic potion, no surgery and I cannot pray it away. However, it is manageable. The past 2 and a 1/2 years have been especially difficult. I moved away from my “forever home” in Florida to relocate to a new state. I left my family and that heartache was huge. I left my job of over 18 years, and my boss who is like a brother. A year of adjustment and struggle to pay bills and sell a house long distance took its toll. Skip ahead and along comes Covid and all that came with that; quarantine, job worries, fear of the unknown. The sadness and bouts of depression were overwhelming. I cried a lot!! I had “the dark cloud” following me around everywhere I went. The best way to describe it is this. I felt like I was physically walking around in a fog that weighed me down and made my arms feel heavy. It was awful. That feeling coupled with the fact that I felt helpless and that I was going to somehow float away in my sadness was almost unbearable! It cannot be truly understood by those who aren’t living it. I’ve had some really great “life-coaching” from my family especially Mom, Maura, Yous, and the boys. (lots of “Zachapy” sessions and “Mikey”pep talks and always my mom!) Many positive changes have occurred and now I am in a pretty good place. The biggest factor in taking control of this bitch of a mental illness is to just know that is exactly what it is. It is a form of mental illness. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t do anything to deserve it. My upbringing didn’t create it. It just exists. It has to be treated and managed like any other illness. Life is good and I will continue to spread the word of my progress and occasional setbacks. I will share treatment plans and progress reports in order to help others who are suffering with this and those that feel helpless watching loved ones hurting.

For the record, I am in a very good place. With the encouragement from a certain someone, I sought the assistance of a counselor and am really taking charge. I am content in my life and managing very well. I am happy and looking forward to days ahead. I re read my post and felt like I needed to update and give a a truthful and uplifting progress report. I thought about deleting this post. I decided it is important that this could possibly help someone who is dealing with anxiety and depression or help a loved one who is trying to understand this. Those were my feelings and I believe it gives a better understanding into the mind of someone who goes through it.

I do worry about airing my problems and revealing too much of myself. It’s such a personal struggle and the thought of sharing it is scary. However, understanding this is so powerful and important that I had to be brave and share. There really is a way to deal with this and come out on top!

I’ve come to realize just how draining it is to live up to my own expectations. I truly believe the stress and pressure I put on myself to look pretty, younger, stylish etc. makes me look the opposite. I see unattractive, old, and frumpy and I am contributing to this in my constant worrying about my appearance.

The more time I spend, mentally AND financially, trying to find the perfect beauty products and fashion choices, the more I scrutinize every detail of my physical appearance. In other words, beauty really does come from the confidence you exude. I think, especially as women, it is so important to come to this realization in order for us to free ourselves from the mental jail we have locked ourselves in. We need to make an honest effort to truly live in the moment. Let’s quit letting our need to be perfect hold us back from the shear enjoyment of doing something without all the worry. The same worry that keeps us from living in the moment has us instead, wondering what we are going to wear and how we will be perceived by people.

This is reason enough to fully commit to live each day in the moment and REALLY take in all that life has to offer. Give yourself permission to take off the “mask of insecurities” and be beautiful in your own natural skin. Look in the mirror and see what makes you beautiful and consider your perceived flaws as gifts and what makes you the unique and beautiful person you are.